i kiss boys for a living

public post because i can

2004-10-13T02:52:34Z

THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

Click here to post this on your own page or weblog

no subject fool

2004-09-26T17:25:41Z

Let me put on my sky blue contacts, lose 53646134179 pounds and I'll look just like her. I already own the poofy hairdo, wispy bangs & huge head anyways.

Gotta get ready for school in 4 hours time. Which means.. I won't be sleeping again. Ina = stoned.

^{Rant..rant..rant. Boyfriend still MIA. Fucking jerk. He's seriously unleashing the beast in me. Soon 'nuff, gonna change my cell number so he can never reach me. I want him to miss me terribly that no matter how hard he looks, he won't find me. Rant..(x3)}

I was thinkin of extracting my wisdom tooth. That will probably make me poorer by 100-ish. But really, it hurts like whoa and my gums are swollen. Its like some major ulcer with pus. Ewww. I know - TMI.

... Back to bed, not. I've the faux stars on my ceiling for company.

i am demented

2004-09-25T18:07:46Z

Eversince Nicky flew home, I pretty much like spendin' time by myself. Its not like I waged a personal vendetta against the entire world but tis lonesome self don't even feel like going anywhere. Goin' places just reminds me of him.

Alter Ego insinuatin' doubts into Ina's mind:

"Oh shut the fuck up Ina. Why are you pining for Nick? Before you know it, your useless boyfriend will be back. Its only 3 fuckin' months, straight into your arms before Christmas.

So get a life. Why are you so emo? For all you know he's in the company of some mountain girl, roamin around like nobody's biz. Worse case senario - he could be busy preparin' for his marriage, thats why he ain't callin' frequently like he used to.

WHOOPS, sorry. Did I make you tear?

Okay, maybe he's really sick. The last time he called you, he was ill remember? Yeah, thats why no calls or mails. On second thoughts, maybe he got shot & lyin in some ravine now.

ZIPS MOUTH.

Thing is girl, just forget him, at least for now. Stop actin' like some lovesick puppy. You really make me gag with your emo-ness."

As of today, I've decided not to mope around. I gave it a serious thought while walkin' at the cemetery. The moon was full, shrouded by the fluffy clouds. How beautiful.. SLAPS HEAD. I'm always digressing.

Point is, though I still love & miss Nicky much ( I really do - that explains why I've been fallin sick) , I cannot carry on bein so dead. Whatever will be will be, when he gets back here that is. I've gotta move on already. Enough of bawlin' eyes out, depression episodes and the likes.

I'm gonna try and be norm for once.

On a happier note, Jay just called & asked me out for a movie date the day after 'morrow. I haven't agreed but its nice to feel loved. :) Harhar, thats me. If my boy doesn't know how to treat me right and another one comes along, I'll reel in the latter. But don't get me wrong, I don't ~~really~~ plan on cheatin' on Nicky. Jay & me are just friends. Its norm for friends to go out right? And though I am quite the nympho, I..

ZZZzzzzzzzzz.

random thoughts

2004-09-22T17:44:55Z

1. I'll seduce a Tibetan monk just for the fun of it. I'll get to live in the mountains & make lotsa babies.

2. Excavations excite me. Dig, dig, dig away. Think Inca civilization, pharaohs, the Great Sphinx, mummies and etc. Heart ancient history. I want to be an archaelogist first thing I wake up 'morrow.

3. Butterflies are beautiful yet intimidating. If i had the guts, I'll clip their wings or tazer em', somehow. That's how much I ~~fear~~ loathe 'em.

4. Marriage is a fuckin' piece of paper. Fuddy-duddy society condemns cohabitation & goad two people in love into a bottomless pit.

5. Before I wrinkle or sag too much, I want to be a globe-trottin' socialite cum eloper. I'll fly to Bhutan, Bora Bora, Nepal, Peru, Hawaii, Russia & to all the exotic historical places.

6. Boys, men. They're the same bunch of creatures that we (women, ladies, girls, dolls - whatever you wish to be called) have a love-hate relationship with. They say its difficult decipherin the way we think. I say, they're (okay not all but MOST) basically idiots tryin' to get in our pants. Erm, maybe not just them. Harhar. Long live nymphos!

7. Relationships are strange. Why is that people meet only to part in the end? Love is even weirder. It finds you when you least expect it. Love is one vicious cycle. Why is that you let yourself fall in love only to have your heart broken again?

8. I think too much.

9. I blabber far too much.

10. I'm going to shut up now.

el-jay cut not

2004-09-20T15:17:45Z

Two cups of Dilmah's earl grey tea makes me happy. Add a bag of oven-baked tiny twists pretzel & I can die happy.

The groceries shopping trip with Liana after school was tres fun. A girls' day out always cheers me up, especially so when we spend the time swooning over eyecandies, people-watching & bitchin' 'bout our respective boyfriends. :)

Harhar.

Mozak threatened to kick us out if we (read : rebels) come in late again for her class 'morrow. Lock both doors all you want. WE DON'T EVEN CARE.

"..The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until i next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And i'm not ashamed
And with every breath i take
I'm calling your name
But i can't take distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough.."

Singing for you-know-who.

I'm sick of mentioning his name 'cause... forget it. I'm at loss for words myself. I hope he's been shot dead by the Maoist guerillas. That can only explain his disappearance. At least I can have a good cry afterwards.

Le sigh.

It's not that I don't heart him anymore but god fuckin' dammit, here i am worried & there's no news from him.

Stares into nothingness.

Seriously I should try to get some shuteye like right now. Haven't had decent sleep for these past three nights. Christ, I so shouldn't be havin' tis sudden craving for vodka mudshake when I forsee another asthma relapse coming my way.

Coughs.

Later. Time to draw up to-do list for the week before I deviate. Yes, I'm THAT organized you betta believe it.

i know i tend to get so insecure but it doesn't matter anymore

2004-09-19T04:34:33Z

Okay people, tomorrow's my funeral. An open invitation.

I'll be decked in the most funky pretty clothes & I'll sleep in a white gold (not gold 'cause I'm allergic to it) coffin. Then, everybody will cry over me & then attempt to throw me outta my million dollar coffin when they realize I've left them nothing but the legacy of doo doo, shattered dreams & a broken heart.

Harhar. Probably not.

But really. 'morrow I'm gonna screw up my project presentation themed Say no to piracy. Fuck that. Piracy keeps me happy. Where do you think I've got my thousands of mp3s and movies stash? Kazaa, limewire whatnot, is teh god. Ah, I'm digressing. Back to the project. I've only done tis lame graphic advert for the presentation which is so not enough. And for the 1500 words report, I've only managed to churn out 528 words. Yay.

Dreamt of Nicky last night. He was fighting with one of his men over me & left shortly after punchin' that bloke. All I said was, "[insert Nicky's full name here], you bloody jerk, wtf do you think you're doing? he's my friend ok. get rid of your temper & stupid jealousy before you come see me."

Weird eh but everything seemed so real 'cause I was sorta semi-conscious & I woke up with my pillow wet (screw you, I didn't piss in my sleep you idiot!)

Five days without any news of him.. Wonder if he has recovered from his cough (maybe some mountain girl's nursing him back to health) or if he's been thinking about me..

I doubt it. I doubt he loves me as much as i feel for him (and no, tis is not your cue for the aww, you poor thing comment)

Let myself wallow in a lifeless existence. I'm paranoid & spend the extra time ponderin' over stuff I shouldn't be frettin'. Know what's even sadder? Letting myself be stuck in the house & havin zero fun.

(actually no. it has been fun spending the entire day bantering with my girlfriends about usher bein' gay, sex, one night stands & cohabitation. the only thing missing was porn. ha ha ha. details later)

Seventy-nine days before Nick will be back in my arms (hopefully). The thought of that is pure misery I tell you.

La.. la.. la.. la.. la.. (Tries to distract self)

Maybe a trip to the cemetery will do me good. Be completely immersed in the tranquillity of the ~~living~~ dead. It's the place to be where I feel most at home.

(You may form whatsoever opinions of me. I'm not gonna slay you. Maybe you think I'm mad, being happy one moment & sad the next, or vice versa. Do I look like I care? Unfortunately, no.)

don't want to stifle these feelings anymore

2004-09-16T17:56:05Z

I heard someone whisper your name today.
But when I turned to see who twas, I noticed I was alone.
That's when I realized twas my heart tellin' me how much I miss you.

Fever hasn't gone down. I feel extremely terrible. I have a bad premonition & nightmares just the other day. I hate how my gut feelings never wrong most of the times.

I'm sorry but I can't help it. It's so late at night but I'm crying. I'm really useless.

being happy 24-7 is boring

2004-09-16T06:02:48Z

Emotions are indeed strange.
The more we hide it,
the more it shows;
the more you suppress it,
the more it grows.

"...I take a walk
the streets are busy tonight
and I am searching for you
waiting to brush your shoulder
But I'm alone
I watch the faces roll by
roll roll roll right by me

But I know, I won't cry
cause' there's somebody somebody somebody waitin' for me
out in the rain"

purest of pain

2004-09-13T17:05:19Z

Been out the whole day. Finally a new phone in place of my beloved deceased. LG G7050, smooth slide-down design.

Now, I'm in dire need of charity.

In exactly eleven hours time, I have to sit for a friggin paper. And guess what, I haven't studied. Nice, I'm so gonna get zeeeeero.

All I want to do is die on my bed. Seriously.

Know what sucks? I look at the fucking calendar & realized its only been a week since Nicky left. I still miss him ~~and cry to sleep every now & then~~ but hey, its ok. I still manage.

He called me again tis(I mean yesterday) morning. Of course I was super elated. But he had to provoke me by asking something ridiculously stupid. Something that could have made me reach for a gun if I had one.

"So how's life, enjoying yourself? Got new boyfriend already?"

Absolutely hurtful. It felt like thousands of pins being etched deep onto my heart.

Bloody jerk! I'm so tempted to reject his calls these next few days but I probably can't bear to. 'sides, i gotta give him credit for calling me three times in six days. I mean, it shows he did think of me, no?

Mothertrucker. I abhored to be challenged or accused. My nympho spirit shall prevail.

Hmm, izzit just me or am I behavin like some drama queen cum insecured bitch lately?

Hurhur, don't answer that. Betta get some sleep.

10 things nobody knows about me

2004-09-12T04:55:31Z

1 I'm a bad Muslim. Major sinner.

2 If you look at my identity card, it states that I'm Malay. But I'm actually not. My deceased (Indian) grandpa (which I never got to see) gave up our ethnic roots in order to have an easier life (read: cheaper education).

3 I was born with really straight hair. When I chopped my hair short at the age of 13, it suddenly had a mind of its own. My mane become poofy & curly till today.

4 I have insomnia despite being out all day. Crying puts me to sleep immediately.

5 I was pretty much a tomboy until the age of 17.

6 I hate crowds. Beneath my fuck-you-i-have-enough-friends exterior, I'm actually quite socially awkward & fragile.

7 I used to go crazy without eyeliner Now, I'm ready to go with just mascara & lip gloss.

8 I have plans to migrate. No idea where. Someone please take me away.

9 I love languages. I can speak English (duh!) & smattering Chinese. Am learning Nepali currently. Gave up on Thai & German cause there was no one to practise with.

10 I've very sensitive skin. Over-exposure to sun or overload of products just gives me rashes & breakouts.

Now post 10 facts about yourself.

after 5 long weeks, i'm back again..

2004-09-07T16:01:54Z

Nicky flew back home to Nepal tis mornin for his 3 months vacation. All I can do is to pray for his well-being & patiently wait for his return tis December. Le sigh.

Its only the first day of his absence but I am missing him like crazy. I must be insane. Life feels so empty without him. It wasn't until today when he left that I realize how much I really love him.

Dear God, do you exist? If you can hear my pleas, please keep my dearest sayang safe & sound from Maoist guerillas, sickness & whatnot.

I realize I'm not that strong afterall. I bleed blood when hurt & my heart shatters into pieces just like the rest of them. Am I ashamed to feel like this? Fuckin no. Why should I anyway? At the end of the day, I'm the one who's gonna cry to sleep.

My life is an open book. I'm not afraid to be judged for the things I say or do. Afterall I die my own death.

Did I mention my 6610 cell fell in the loo and died, no? Most of his sms-es to me & calendar events got deleted. Before my selective memory sets in, I had betta put it to ink.

27 June 2004 : How it all began..

That fateful nite, Nick & I got introduced through a mutual friend. We hit it off immediately and in the midst of our banter, he called me Sayang (love in Malay), hoping I'll not beat the shit outta him for bullying & rattling away at me. Till today, he still calls me that.

We're so alike in terms of character; sarcastic, witty (and sometimes corny!) , hot-tempered, wickedly crazy & loud and yet, there are just times when we can be distant and standoffish, prefering to keep to ourselves.

8 July : Love..

We didn't remain friends for long. After numerous dates, he finally said it. "Love you too dear.."

8 Aug : 1st anniversary..

One month together, love going on strong. Never felt happier.

19 Aug : Break-up..

His jealous streak drove us apart. I walked away despite having given so much for tis relationship. I can never tolerate being accused. The day after we broke up, I ignored all his sms-es. The days without him was honestly the worst. The more i tried to forget & hate him, the more he haunted me.

24 Aug : Friends again..

Heard from our mutual friend that he wanted me back but couldn't find the words. He finally caved in and said how he couldn't forget me & and that he'll be going home soon. Am glad to be friends once more.

31 Aug : Patched up..

After a week of separation, we finally met up. Twas awkward at first but everything fitted like a glove. Love in the air again.

Today, 7 Sept : Homebound.. Mountain Kingdom

We spent the night together till 5am. Shortly after, he left for Nepal at 10am. So, here I am blinded by tears while lookin at his battered & torn picture that has never left my side.

Funny how we got back together only to part again. Can't explain it either..

All I know that I miss him so much it hurts.

Keep track.. Public service quarter marathon

2004-07-23T06:01:45Z

Daddy dearest clinched 1st place in the Mens Veterans category..

And, the MHA (Ministry of Home Affairs) team were great. Congrats ~~Gurkha hotties~~ Daddy. ;]

Family

Sis & me

Raring to go

Start/End

MHA team

MHA dudes

Smile officers!

Dad at the prize stand

Back to the MHA side

Prize galore

Hot bods

After run

..

Had a huge fight with Nicki last night. Okay, maybe I was making a mountain outta molehill but he carried the joke too far.. constantly provoking me & testing my ♥. But I'm glad after the petty debates & ranting, we made out & learnt to appreciate tis relationship.

Lesson learnt : Be more spontaneous & don't be 'fraid to share how you feel. Guessing games no more.

Mo timilai maya gorcu Nicki

I'll be following Daddy to Kuala Lumpur for another running competition. Be back on Sunday evening..

no beauty sleep

2004-07-18T01:34:00Z

Went shopping with Daddy last night. Bought 3 pairs of Reebok shorts & a set of Mizuno PT Attire for myself. Whee~. Then Nicki came along & finally met my 'rents. Had dinner at Lau Pa Sat before 'rents & us went separate ways.

..I reached home at 8am.

Drank too much of crap. Mondo bloated.

Had..

2 Vodka Mudshake Vanilla
1 Hoopers Hooch Blackcurrant
1 Bacardi Breezer Cranberry

(I'm a bad Muslim. I'm so going to hell)

As I promised.. here's it.
Massacred 'do & I have blue eyes cause I own you. ;]

Later. I'm off to support Daddy & friends at the cross country run.

lovesick & broke

2004-07-12T07:53:17Z

SNIFFLES. Haven't seen Nicky in two days and I'm missing him so much. Supposed to meet him during his off day yesterday but I was outta town. & today, he's busy working.

Hafta contend with smses & phone calls. ):

Retail therapy the whole of yesterday. Went crazy while shopping at Johore & Lil' India with 'rents & Sis. I'm officially BROKE. Am so tired I couldn't get up in time for school today.

Bought

+ 6 MNG basic/casual wear tops
+ 2 MNG mini skirts
+ 2 sun dresses
+ Stussy cap
+ Silver ring & 2 pair of earrings
+ Flip flops & strappy sandals
+ Freshlook contact lens in True sapphire & Eden (collection 'morrow!)

Oh, I massacred my bangs. It's Bettie Page bangs gone wrong. But I'm loving it anyways. Pictures later.

Off to the cemetery for some tranquility now.

i heart you nicky dear

2004-07-10T05:23:27Z

We made out under the stars, with sand on our feet and waves splashing just below the cliff. I never want the night to end.

been a while

2004-07-07T14:15:22Z

Back to school. Obviously I hate it. So I'm skipping the first week. Hallelujah.

Sprained my right ankle last night.

Don't gloat. That is not a result of my over-training or my stubborness. It's just that I'm pretty darn unlucky (stupid actually). Was joking around while running that I forgot all 'bout the steep slope. I really need to watch my steps and yes, new contact lens would be splendiferous.

And guess what, I'm not gonna stop running. I'll walk. Yup, I'll sway and crawl if I have to.

You know when you're in love? When he's constantly on your mind and spending 10 hours together - to the movies, strolling in the park and running in the rain, ain't enough. Honestly, tis relationship will never work out. There's always the issue of our different nationalities, religion and job scope. It's only a matter of time before he goes back to his mountain kingdom.

Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me

Sunshine after the rain

2004-06-20T07:22:13Z

Sis has been discharged with one month's hospitalization leave. It's a miracle how she ended with bruises, lacerations and a sprained neck despite being hit by a taxi, flung over a few metres, run over & pinned under that fucking taxi.

Get well soon Sis. I love you. You're my very best friend.

I've been neglecting my health. Been down with fever & sore throat for three days. Instead of stayin home, I've been going to work, jogging & taking random pictures. Slap me somebody. I don't even listen to anyone. I'm that stubborn.

PS: THANKS FOR THE CONCERN EVERYONE.

Too much in a day

2004-06-09T14:25:45Z

I spoke too soon. Short-lived happiness.

I slipped during the rain. Have a huge bruise on my butt and back and my ankle's hurt. Still, I continued running.

Five minutes later, received a call that Sis met with an accident.

I don't know how's her condition but I'm gonna go spend the night at the hospital and cheer her up.

'morrow's my Math paper but I really have no mood to even go for it.

God hates me.

i'm back

2004-06-09T02:28:51Z

Thank you for the birthday wishes & concern

+ adez
+ afm
+ billiejoe
+ blackhole_87
+ deliciouslyb (Thanks for the e-card hun!)
+ guiltymemories
+ monkey_lovin

^{Sinful pralines I had on my birthday. :x}

& anyone whose names I've actually left out, sorry. My bouts of amnesia is really getting outta hand. Anyhow, I ♥ you people on my friends' list. Will be back on a commmenting/updating frenzy soon, I promise.

In an effort to keep the e-vil depression vibes away, kept myself busy with work & as usual, been jogging almost every other day & making new friends. I've also gotten a habit of checkin my daily horoscope. I mean, how could I not do so? The readings at Astrology 's just darn spot-on.

counting my tears

2004-06-01T04:04:43Z

I really wish I wasn't born.

//edit

Not in the best of moods. Tis trying period is just makin me more angsty & destructive than before.

Confined in my room, shutting everyone out, throwing & breaking things, only to regret much, much later. I'm not even capable of loving myself.

I wish I can fly away & be in the mountains where no one recognizes me. I'll be much happier getting lost in remote wildernesses.

For now, I don't want to face anyone, much less talk 'bout it.

The facade will soon shatter.

kiss me on both cheeks

2004-05-30T16:39:43Z

In a week's time, I'll be twenty years OLD. Mark June 7th on your calendar plebeians.

Honestly, I hate birthdays. It's just another mundane day. I hate celebrations & over-rated events. I prefer to go unnoticed & having no one to fuss over me.

I'm too independent dammit.

Wishlist

1. Chocz 25-piece Pralines
2. FreshLook Contact lens
3. Funky nose ring/stud

That's not the end of my wishlist. I can rattle and rant all ~~night~~ mornin' but I don't want to bore you (to tears).

So, I'm gonna hafta chuck my wishlist. Well, not really. I have a wee request.

If m'dear faery god-mother's listening, she had betta send me a sugardaddy.

Puh-lease?

the subject is completely irrelevant

2004-05-27T14:29:28Z

Really tired of work.
Go bonkers with all the filing.
Can hardly breathe.

Mum was being weird today.
I went home for dinner yet she didn't cook my share.
Reason being, I'm always outside & don't reach home til' after 12am.
WTF, is it my fault for not informing her I'll be home early?
Hmph.

No jogging today & 'morrow.
Too many things happening I don't even know where to begin.
Hope everything will blow over by the time I'm back to my routine tis weekend.

safe & sound

2004-05-25T16:47:53Z

Jogging session at the christian cemetery.

I'm more thrilled than wussy-like. The thought of knowing something is out there, lurking, with watchful eyes, just makes me run faster. Way fun than jogging at the park, reservoir or by the road side.

Boo fucking hoo. I had B&J's cookie dough & half a pack of Kinder Bueno for dinner. I know. Shoot me. There goes all my efforts.

Back to work in a while. Must ~~try to~~ sleep.

will run & hide from you

2004-05-25T03:59:23Z

^{Your Daily Horoscope

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

This is a time of deep and fundamental change in your life, a time to let go of the past and move on. Your friends are looking for more of your attention, but now is not the time to give it. New connections with powerful people will offer you exciting opportunities. Give yourself a pat on the back, and be proud of what you have managed to achieve.

Romance: Good | Finance: Good | Charisma: Good
Lucky Numbers: 42, 44, 56, 59}

I'm a slave to retardation. Don't blame me. The readings are really really really spot-on. Sucker for believing that everything's destined to be.

For now, it's mindless daily horoscopes which I'll religiously check before going anywhere. Next, I'm gonna get tarot cards & an (I-Ching) oracle.

you laugh, you cry, no one knows why

2004-05-24T05:32:35Z

Two days medical leave.

Planning to get back to work 'morrow though. *shrugs* If I can wake up on time, that is.

I slept with a spinning head & woke up with the walls of my room doing the merry-go-round. Drowsiness bad. I want numbness thank you very much. Oh, I wish I had the guts to burn away the eczema spots.

Plans for today? Rot, sleep, return overdue books before going for a jog in the evening. I know 'rents gonna scream their heads off 'cause I'm hardly at home (even on my off days).

*dodges sharp weapons*

The best way to eat Kiwis? Cut in half with a spoon & start diggin. :) That will leave your tongue prickin' good. Trust me.